How to Escape Your Soul-Crushing 9-5 Job

wally

We have all taken up bad jobs before.  And we know that other than being broke, trying to survive a shit job where we have to show up to work everyday is one of the most painful tortures created by modern slavery society.

This blog post is NOT going to teach you how to think positively and count your blessings.

This blog post is NOT going to teach you how to be thankful for what you have and that there are other poor people who would love to have your job.

Screw that!

If you are looking for a motivational, perk-me-up, goal-getting blog post while you read this on your way to work… This post is not for you.

 

This post is here to remind you HOW MUCH YOU HATE YOUR JOB.

 

This blog post is for people who want to scheme and coast through their SHITTY jobs.

This blog post is for people who want to do minimal work, for maximum raise.  Save your energy for other things like playing soccer with the boys or watching movies with the Gf.

This blog post is for people who can’t wait to “jump ship” on the next job opportunity.

This blog post is for the people who hit the snooze button on their phone for 10 more mins every morning.

 

Are you that person? Yes? Read on…

 

While you go through your daily zombie-like motions of your shit job, here are some tactics that you can employ, to keep yourself sane, keep yourself entertained, save your energy and play office politics until you find a better job offer or a business opportunity.

Once you mastered these skills, there’s no turning back, my young padawan.

Are you Ready to Join the Dark Side?

I know you want to…

Let’s go.

darth vader

 

1. Keep Your Sanity

How did you end up with this job?  Were you trying to pay off a student loan as fast as possible?  Did you buy a house, a car, gave birth to some children and had no choice but to take up the first job offer presented to you? Are you forever trapped in this hell hole of endless overtime and lousy salary?

Keep your sanity intact by focusing on the big picture.  Remember: This job is going to be temporary.

Set your priorities straight.  You are only here to “take the money and run”.  You will find a better job opportunity and jump ship the moment you have the chance!  So focus your efforts on doing minimum work, for maximum ‘productivity’ and maximum recognition.

This is a corporate game. And you are going to do whatever it takes to win.  Swallow the bitter pill.  Be practical.  At least now you have an INCOME to progress to the next goal.

Whenever you wake up from your bed and you question the meaning of your bleak, servile existence, remind yourself that all these will end some day.

 

office-pranks

2. Entertain Yourself

One way to keep yourself sane in your mind-numbing job is to find creative ways to entertain yourself.  This will make time pass faster and gives you something to look forward to in your every day drudgery.  Play fantasy football. Organise lunches at more exotic places once in a while.

Play pranks on your fellow colleagues. Give your colleagues nicknames like Lady Ha-Ha, or Wu Ze Tian or Cheekopei Uncle so that you incite laughter whenever you mention these people.

Download “Slack”, “WebEx” or some other work messaging app and use it gossip with your colleagues or plan your next outing.

Once, I got so bored at work I started tracking a fellow colleague’s misery by recording the number of depressed ‘sighs’ she would let out that day.  I wanted to find joy in others suffering.  I counted the number of “sighs”  each day and plotted a weekly graph.  Then my other colleagues and I  would bet on how many sighs she would let out on a particular day based on past info.

So find ways that you and your colleagues can entertain yourself.  If you do not like to break the rules or risk offending others with a prank, take down the birthdays of every one in your department. Have a celebration every time it’s somebody’s birthday.

That way, you get to spend time at work taking photos, singing birthday songs and eating cake.  You don’t even have to pay for every thing. Just get every one in the department to chip in to buy the cake or goodies to lower the costs.  Not only do you get paid to enjoy during company time, you will also develop the reputation of a caring colleague.

Now isn’t that killing 2 birds with one stone?

 

life bar

3. Save Your Energy for More Important Things in Life

Remember that this is just a temporary job.  It is a stepping stone to another more fulfilling, higher-paying job. So don’t go all out spending your energy on it.

Come to work just on time, or even better, find a way to sneak in 30 mins later.  Go for frequent toilet breaks and if your toilets are clean, hide in a cubicle and take a nap.

Hang out in the pantry and help yourself to energy-boosting snacks available in the fridge.  Drink as much free coffee as you can.  Caffeine helps big time.

Do not take up additional work like organising large scale office events.  Leave that for the workers who have no life.  You have no time for that nonsense.

To avoid work, you also have to practise the “busy walk” and the “deep-in-thought” look.  Frown permanently and walk in large strides.  You might want to hold a random file in your hand.  Mutter incoherently to yourself while walking, as if you are pondering on a difficult problem.  Greet your colleagues with a curt smile and move on.  You must act like a busy man.

Leave work on time.  If your team mates are all working overtime while you are rushing home, use excuses like “I need to take care of my baby”, “My child got PSLE. Need coaching”. Or simply furrow your brows and say that you got “something on” and rush out of the office with a worried expression.

If you got a sniffle, don’t show up to work! Make use of your company’s medical support and take MC. Stay at home, watch Netflix and chill.

 

backstab your colleagues

4. Navigate Office Politics.  Fake a smile and BACKSTAB your enemies!

Office politics is a staple of the corporate world.  You can’t escape.  Embrace it and treat it like a game.

Be aware of your enemies – people who will sabotage you or your work to make themselves look good.  Or people who steal your credit. Or people who tai-chi low quality work in your direction.

Take preventive measures to combat these scumbags.  Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.  Have lunches with them, find out about their personal lives, understand their personalities and what makes them tick.  Find out all their fears and ambitions.  Greet them, smile at them.  And the moment they falter or fall, you must faster STEP ON THEM to leapfrog your agenda!

Form alliances. Have partners-in-crime.  Find a clique that more or less meets your values and insert yourself in.  Provide value to your team.  Rally support around you by helping your allies and warning them of dangers-to-come from your enemies.  Protect your allies and treat them super well.  You’ll never know when your enemies may attack you and you’ll need help.

Don’t be scared of office politics.  The more afraid you are, the more scumbags will try to exploit you.  Smile at them. Then plant that dagger into their backs when they least expect it!

 

office space

5. Only Do Work that Matters

In your job, you will probably receive numerous tasks to do.  But you need to conserve your time and energy.  Do only the work that matters.

This includes only highly-important tasks.  Everything else that won’t add credibility to your status or resume, tai-chi it away.

Use excuses like “I would really love to help you with this task but I am swamped by my project” or “I would love to help but I fear my lack of skills and experience in this matter will only create more work. You got it bro”.  Make sure you look as apologetic as possible.

Important work that you should do includes projects that you can use to pad up your resume.  Or work that allows you to work as close to the boss as possible.  This will build up your reputation and help to to be on the “top of the mind” when your boss is considering you for a promotion or a bonus.  (Wait… if your plan is to jump ship… a promotion may be pretty useless. Make sure it comes with a higher pay.)

Doing things like remembering your boss’s birthday and taking an interest in his life would also help you to get closer to him.  By doing so, you won’t just be another employee.  You will be a friend that he can count on.  Now THAT is important work!

 

the godfather kiss the ring

6. Network Your Way out of this Shithole

Network. Suck up. Carry balls. Whatever you want to call it. Make yourself valuable to the people you want to network with. You don’t have a choice here.  You need to find a better career opportunity!

Identify key people in your industry.  Especially those who are well-connected and can open doors for you.  Get to know them through a friend of a friend.  Attend networking events.  Mingle and talk. Exchange name cards.

Leverage on social media to connect with others.  Reach out to people through LinkedIn, Facebook and Twitter.  Talk to them, engage them, follow them.  Be on a lookout for a better job opportunity.  You’ll never know when your contacts may refer you to another person.  Get to know them and help them.

If you scratch their backs, they will scratch yours some day.

 

crawling through a tunnel

7. Grind it Out

In case you don’t find it familiar, this picture above is from the award-winning movie, The Shawshank Redemption.  In this scene, the main character is crawling through a sewage tunnel or a tunnel full of shit.

This seems like a perfect metaphor for someone who’s stuck in a job he hates.  Every day at work seems like a perpetual crawling through a shit tunnel.

But keep it up.  Go through points 1 to 6.

Maintain your sanity. Entertain yourself. Save energy. Scheme your way through office politics. Do only the important stuff. And remember to constantly expand your network.

One day..with enough persistence and luck… you will be … FREE!!!!

the-shawshank-redemption-poster

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2 Comments

  1. The Finance Smith

    What an entertaining read for people working in a corporate job! All the best for your new online business!

    Reply
    1. Jerry (Post author)

      Glad that you enjoyed it! Thanks for the well wishes!

      Reply

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